The Fear Of Losing Your Parents

How do you find strength when you're overwhelmed by fear and anxiety? On this week's "Love U Miss U Bye," I, Christi Chanelle, open up about the harrowing experience of watching my father grapple with severe health complications, including a life-threatening blood clot and multiple surgeries. I reflect on the deep-seated trauma of losing my mother young, and how that shaped my reaction to my father's crisis. As I sat in the hospital waiting rooms, writing became my sanctuary, helping me navigate through the crushing anxiety and maintain some semblance of composure.

This episode takes you on the emotional roller coaster of the past week, from the depths of despair to the triumphant relief of a successful surgery. The incredible skill of the neurosurgeon who eradicated the blood clots brought a wave of gratitude and hope, knowing that my father would soon be out of the hospital. I want to share these raw, intensely personal moments to offer comfort and solidarity to anyone who's ever felt the fear of losing a loved one. Join me for a heartfelt discussion on facing the fear of loss and discovering strength amidst health challenges.

Chapters

• 0:00 Facing the Fear of Loss
• 8:09 Navigating Through Health Challenges

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

I feel like I'm about to suffocate. I'm like like trying to keep myself together because I am freaking out internally. I'm your host, christy Chanel, and this is the Love you Miss you Bye podcast. I have had a tough week. It has been unbelievably tough. I've lost a parent when I was 25, way too young. I was just becoming a woman really, you know, knowing myself as much as I could at 25, but much more than when I was a teenager and I always had an appreciation for my mother. But now, at 50, I just think our relationship would have developed and become even more rich. Developed and become even more rich. And although I've been able to move past the pain of losing my mother, I see myself gearing up for the pain of one day losing my dad, and I didn't really think a lot about it until this past week. I mean, really, really think about it.

Speaker 1: 1:21

My dad is 71. Think about it. My dad is 71 and he's had some health issues in the past 20 years, from diabetes to bad circulation. He even had quadruple bypass surgery on his heart years ago. I want to say it was like 2009. That was terrifying, but he made it through and he's he's been doing really, really great. And then you add in that he's got bad circulation in his legs, which I think is from smoking, could be other things, because my granny also had it, but she was also a smoker. That definitely plays into it. But he's, he's gotten surgery in his leg to help circulation before and the next day he was released actually, maybe even that day he was released. So he was going in to do the same type of surgery.

Speaker 1: 2:13

Um, last Friday and uh, it didn't turn out like that at all. Goes home. He is prescribed blood thinner because when you do surgery you have a danger of blood clots and blood clots can go to your heart and kill you, go to your brain and kill you. Go to your leg, or go to his leg specifically, and he will have to amputate his leg. Calls the doctor and says you know, I feel like it didn't work, it failed. Goes in. We need to admit you right now so we can monitor you for blood clots. They put him under. They do the surgery, the surgeon comes out. I want you to know we found a huge blood clot in his leg and a few more up and down his leg. They put him in ICU.

Speaker 1: 3:03

I am freaking out. Freaking out like, oh my God, so he's in ICU. I am panicked and I don't. There's something inside me. I remember it with my grandfather when he had cancer and he was in so much pain and he looked at me. He's like Christy, please get me pain pills, please get me something. And you know he was hospice so there wasn't any danger of him ODing on hydrocodone or whatever. They were going to use morphine. But I remember standing in front of the nurse's station and just giving them the death stare until they gave him what he needed to feel comfortable.

Speaker 1: 3:41

I lose it when I see somebody I love in pain and crying. Okay, I lose it, just some snaps. My dad did that when he was in ICU. Can you give him something? You know, I'm just enraged. I'm enraged. Get him out of pain, you know. So they give him medicine and he's out of pain, but I'm still like freaking out, I'm still like scared. You know they're checking on him every 15 minutes and I'm I'm just scared.

Speaker 1: 4:10

The room is different. It's very sterile and very, uh, open. And he's open and he's right there and and it's a very, very different energy. Yeah, I'm just, I'm terrified, I'm crying, you know. I'm trying to hold it together and I actually did pretty good. I'm kind of impressed with myself because I wanted to cry at least 100 different times that day. I just I wanted, I wanted to cry and I held it together and then the next day I went in and he's the energy's different. I feel a positive energy around me and he looks like he's feeling better and he's, you know, getting ready to go in for another surgery and I'm like, okay, that's three, and like five, six days, like that's a lot Like for my dad.

Speaker 1: 4:59

I feel like he's fragile. You know, I just done three and then I hear that the surgery is going to be an hour and a half and it takes two and a half hours. So as soon as we hit two hours, I feel like I'm about to suffocate. I'm like like trying to keep myself together because I am freaking out internally and I think for the most part I'm a pretty pretty put together, emotionally put together person, meaning I am really good in stressful situations. I handle them very well and at two hours I started to feel myself getting ready to lose it, like it was, like something was on my chest. You know like, hurry up, get out of surgery, hurry up. This is stressing me out, you know.

Speaker 1: 5:50

Um, so I start. I'm a, I write when I get upset, I, I, I, I write. I don't have paper, I don't have a pen. What am I going to do? And, um, I have headphones so I can kind of drown out the world and put them on and just kind of like go into my own world. I open up my notes app and I'm like you know what? I'm still going to write. It's not the same as having like a little pencil to you know, write your stuff on. You know it's different when you're typing it. I'm typing like a madman because I have all these emotions that I have to get out and I know I have to remain calm.

Speaker 1: 6:27

My stepmother is sitting in the room with me. You know, in her own way, in dealing with it, in her own way, it distracts me, but it doesn't take away that little thing in my head with tick, tock, tick, tock. You know the time it didn't really take it away, but I was faced this whole time with I could lose my dad. I could lose my dad. What will my life be like? I'll be an orphan. I'm a 50 year old orphan. But what's my life look like now, because I know when I had my mom to, when I lost my mom, I was two different people. Who would I be? And then, of course, of course, my dad tells my stepmom if anything happens to me, make sure my dog is taken care of. And, christy, I'm like, okay, I see where I rank. But it made me cry Because that means he was scared too. And you know your dad's tough, you're right, you know he's your protector and he's scared, which makes me even more scared.

Speaker 1: 7:21

I'm sitting there just thinking there are so many people my age that are dealing with this with their parents, because it's like we reach this age and we start to lose grandparents and parents. Then there's the level of you lose your friends and it's like, oh my gosh, we have to go through this, like there's no way out, like we have to experience these things. It's scary, the pain that's in front of us, and I know that that's a morbid way of looking at things, but it's the truth. That's what it means to be alive. And if you're listening to this and your parents are in good health, you are lucky and cherish every single moment with them, because this may not feel real to you right now, and that's okay.

Speaker 1: 8:09

You don't have to think about it. Who wants to think about it? I didn't want to think about it. I never do think about it. Why would I want to put myself in that headspace? I don't, but I was pushed into that headspace and realized that ultimately, we will all be experiencing that at some point and I know this is a downer episode and I'm so sorry for that, but that's really how I was this whole week. I was down, I was in it, I was feeling all of those emotions. So I just wanted to share that with you and to tell you the end results were wonderful. He came through that surgery like a trooper when they went in.

Speaker 1: 8:48

The neurosurgeon is the one that did this third one and he was amazing. His bedside manner was perfect. He came in and goes there's no blood clots anymore. The blood thinner worked. I said well, they said he was at a seven before. What's he at now? And he said he's at a 10. And I was just like and he's fine, and we're going to release him tomorrow, just to be able to relax my tightened muscles and mind and felt so good. I really just don't want to go through that again. I can tell you that right now. But if you're in that situation and you're going through that mental roller coaster right now, I want you to know you're not alone and my heart's with you. I love you. Miss you. Bye, thank you.