What Happens to Family After Death?

What happens when the foundation of your home and heart is shaken by loss? Join me on an emotional journey through the bittersweet memories of growing up in New Jersey, enveloped by the warmth and love my mom and stepdad provided. As I recount the cherished moments of my childhood, I also confront the devastating turning point of my mom's passing in 1999. This heartbreak set off a chain reaction that unraveled our family structure and profoundly affected my stepdad's life. I candidly explore the struggles of grappling with grief, the complexities of his subsequent relationship. Together, we'll navigate the painful yet powerful bonds of family and the difficult task of reconciling the past with the present.

As I prepare for a poignant trip to reconnect with someone significant from my past, possibly for the last time, I reflect on the transient nature of life and the search for a new sense of security that remains elusive. This episode dives into the changing dynamics of my family, the branching out of our family tree, and how time has impacted our bonds. Through heartfelt storytelling, we'll examine the fleeting moments that shape our lives and the bittersweet memories that come with revisiting our roots. 

Chapters

• 0:01 Family Relationships and Grief
• 9:47 Reconnecting With Family

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Blood is thicker than water. What do you think about when you hear that? Let's talk about family, in particular mine, the Lovey Mishy Bi Podcast. Let's inspire each other.

Speaker 1: 0:33

Today, since we are just leaving the 4th of July festivities and family and barbecues, I figured it would be a good time to kind of share some of my family branches with you. I am going to start with my mom and my stepdad, a place that I called home for 24 years, the warmest, loving, most beautiful place I've ever known, and I have been looking for ever, since New Jersey has always been. It reminds me of home. It brings me back to the memories I knew as a kid. Me back to the memories I knew as a kid. I have beautiful, beautiful memories there, but somehow now it's hard for me to go there. It's really, really hard for me to go there. And you're thinking why. This is where your mom, this is all your, where you grew up. Why would this bring heartbreak? Well, because when I get off the airplane, I'm not as excited as I used to be. I get off the airplane and my mom's not there. I don't have that same feeling of coming home as I did, and I don't know that I ever will.

Speaker 1: 1:41

I did bring it up to Trevor that we should go to New Jersey and go see where I grew up and visit that area, and he wants to, he absolutely wants to and he wants to see New York and stuff like that. But I haven't been in a rush to get back there and I don't even know how many years it's been. I can't remember the last I was there, I think, with Lori. I visited her. I think she had a charity ball at the time, the Red Shoes ball, or something. I visited her then she was getting an award. She's really the only one that can get me back there for a visit, that's it. You know, there's been reunions for school that have popped up here and there and I just cannot bring myself to go to one. And it's not because I don't want to visit people and it's not because I don't want to say hi and see everybody's face, because I do.

Speaker 1: 2:39

But it's painful to go back to Jersey and the reason for that is because my mom passed away in 1999. Not only was that the day I lost my mom, but it was the day that I lost my dad, my stepdad. I lost them both just like that, and I know many people don't know that story because I've kept it in for years. Now I'll be the first to tell you I don't know how to deal with grief. Okay, I am no expert on grief. I know that it's best not to hide from it. It's best to walk into it head first so it doesn't affect the other things in your life. And at 24, I didn't know how to do that.

Speaker 1: 3:23

So, as my stepdad's life was falling apart, mine was falling apart too. Mine was falling apart in Texas, his was falling apart in New Jersey. I saw it falling apart. I saw the crash happening. So I went up, went through my mom's stuff, visited my dad and put him in a rehab. Now, I didn't know that this rehab would forever change his life and he would get on the path of sobriety forever. But it did, and I'm thankful to that, because he needed. He needed help too and I didn't want to see him die. And I remember telling him that I just saw my mom die. I can't watch you die Crying, calling my aunt, calling my grandma and saying he needs help. We need to get him help. And they did.

Speaker 1: 4:22

But before he went in, he started talking to another woman. This woman was introduced to him from one of his best guy friends, that he had grown up with Him and his wife had pretty much watched me grow up. They were around all the time. They live in Long Island and I loved them. She had a friend that was single and she introduced her to my stepdad. We're talking my mom died in June.

Speaker 1: 4:53

I'm going to say a couple of months after that, like before he went into full rehab, he met her. I didn't take it too seriously yet, but my heart was broken. I knew my life would never be the same. At least if I had my stepdad, I could have some normal parts of my life that I grew up with that mattered, that brought me comfort. But I didn't know how to handle my grief. As he was moving closer to another woman, I was pushing them both out of my life Like I can't see this. I can't feel this. I don't want to know about this, but I didn't know by doing that that's exactly what would happen forever. It wasn't part of the plan, I just didn't know how to deal with it.

Speaker 1: 5:40

So when I went there for another visit on this particular visit still 1999, he brought over the girl that he was seeing, and my grandma and my aunt were there and I just remember being so absolutely gutted to watch them. I feel like it was his birth. I don't remember what the holiday was. There was some holiday where there was a cake involved, like a cookie cake involved. I don't remember if it was her birthday or I don't remember. It's all a haze, like all of it is a haze, so timelines are very, very shady, but it definitely was in the same year before we got to Christmas, because that was a whole new thing.

Speaker 1: 6:26

And I'm watching them stand next to each other in this food or this cake and my grandma and my aunt are standing there and they're looking at me and I turn around and leave the room and go to the bathroom because I don't want anybody to see me sob, and leave the room and go to the bathroom because I don't want anybody to see me sob. But I am sobbing in the bathroom, thinking my life has fallen apart. It has fallen apart and everything that I knew has changed forever In the next two years. I think we're all struggling to see what this whole family relationship dynamic is all about. I don't fault her, okay, I don't fault her. She saw a man that she liked, she wanted to be with him and she had a 24 year old daughter that he didn't have to worry about raising. So now I'm like, oh great, oh great. She's got two daughters. Two daughters. He's going to have two stepdaughters. Now he's going to love them more than he loves me.

Speaker 1: 7:32

This is still super painful, even today. We never were able to have the family dynamic that I think he might've wanted to have. I hadn't even dealt with my pain appropriately and there was no way I was going to be able to accept this woman into my life I just wasn't. Or her daughters into my life I just wasn't. Or her daughters, like. I was not open to any kind of relationship. I wasn't rude, I wasn't mean, I just wasn't open. You know, I was very, very closed. It was painful. It was so painful and one of her daughters genuinely tried to get to know me and I couldn't do it. So ultimately I turned my back and my dad didn't come after me. I tried to kind of mend it a little bit in the last few years. It's just not. It's just not something we're able to do and I don't know what it is. I feel like I just don't fit into that family.

Speaker 1: 8:33

We text there's a Giants game on. We text I send him a text for Father's Day. We've talked maybe once in the last five years on the phone. I don't make an active effort to reach out and he doesn't make an active effort to reach out. With that said, I still love him as much today as I did the day my mom died. He never made me feel anything but loved and do.

Speaker 1: 8:59

I believe he loves me. Yes, I believe he loves me, but I believe he knows that there's no room in this dynamic for me and that's why he didn't chase, that's why he didn't try to break down that wall. He made a choice and I have accepted that choice. But he's now getting older. He's in his 70s now and time is running out for me to look at him in the face and tell him I love him, which is very, very important for me, because I just talked to you guys about closure the other day. I need that closure and every day that passes I take a chance of losing that closure.

Speaker 1: 9:47

So I may take a trip out there he doesn't know this, of course and I may just find out if he's going to be in town. I'm not planning on staying at his house. I will get a hotel. I'll probably bring Trevor with me. I'm betting that'll be the last time I ever see him. It's really sad, isn't it, how life just changes. So my safe place that I knew as a kid is completely gone. I had to learn to find a new safe place and I still really haven't. This is just branch one of the Christie family tree. We've got other branches and they're interesting, trust me. Have a wonderful rest of your week. I hope you stay safe and happy and fulfilled and I'll talk to you next Monday. Love you, miss you bye, thank you.