Should You Date Your EX Again?

Reconnecting with an ex might sound like a romantic fairytale or a cautionary tale, but what happens when someone from your early twenties reappears as you approach 50? Join me on a personal journey as I navigate the emotional labyrinth of rekindling old flames. Memories, unresolved feelings, and the allure of a fresh start swirl together in a potent mix of temptation and risk. As I wrestle with these emotions privately, away from the prying eyes of friends and family, I invite you to reflect on your own experiences of missed opportunities and the longing for closure. 

We'll also explore broader perspectives on the delicate art of relationship rekindling. Hear heartwarming stories of high school sweethearts finding lasting love after years apart, contrasted with cautionary tales of reconnections that ended in heartbreak or worse. From personal growth and aligning life goals to the sobering realities of financial stability and past infidelities, we examine the crucial factors that influence the decision to give a past relationship another chance. Whether driven by genuine compatibility or mere physical attraction, these stories underscore the importance of honesty, respect, and timing, especially when children are involved. Join the conversation and find out what it takes to truly start anew with someone from your past.

Chapters

• 0:01 Dating Again With Your Ex
• 8:15 Relationship Rekindling and Second Chances
• 16:37 Deciding to Rekindle a Relationship

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Is there someone in your life that just keeps popping up from your past we can call it an ex, if you want. It could be a previous obsession Just someone that pops into your head at random times. You know a song may come on, a movie you're watching and you're like you know what. That's really familiar, or. I wish that was my happy ending when I was with that person. The Lovey Mishy Bi podcast. Let's inspire each. Yeah, well, I have someone like that in my life. I have never talked about him on the show before.

Speaker 1: 0:53

I think I will eventually get into more of the details, but I'm kind of waiting to see what the next phase of this is before I get into you know the nitty gritty, because I mean you deserve to hear the next page that's written. So I will just say this this person was in my life in my early twenties. This person was in my life uh, in my that was about 39, 40. And then randomly through the next 10 years, now that I'm 50, it seems like it's come full circle. So that made me think I'm not alone here. Like I know, we've all had that moment where we've thought about an ex in the past. What would you do if your ex walked into the very place you were in, randomly unattached? You also were unattached. What would you do? I know you've thought about it. I know you've thought about it at least once. I can't be alone in this. I just I can't be alone in this because some of you may have something you want to say. Maybe it's closure for you. Maybe you see this person and you're like I want to tell them what they fricking did to me and how much it hurt me, and so that closure is the reason that you haven't been able to close the door. You know, on the memories, or you messed up, you screwed up. If I could only go back in time and just fix that one mistake I made, I would be with them right now. You can't. It sucks. You can't go back and fix it. But what if you had another opportunity to start again? Would you take it? I figured I would go to the experts for this.

Speaker 1: 2:45

Subject Reddit. Obviously, this is the first time that I'm actually using this app, but I had gone on it the other day and I'm like these are some like brilliant topics that I could probably cover on my show. So today I typed in should you date your ex again. Now I know, listen, we all have those red flags. Your friends are going to say hell. No, you know what? Not one person in my life right now knows that I could be potentially talking to an ex.

Speaker 1: 3:18

I haven't shared it. I haven't shared it because I just want to live in this world by myself right now. I want to observe how I feel about it and really just have no opinions. But I know, after this episode airs, I'm going to get a text or two. I'm going to get a phone call or two saying who or someone may even say I know who it is, don't even think about it, and that's okay. Like I love my friends, I expect honesty from my friends. But right now I think I'm old enough to make up my own mind and make my own decisions. I really don't have any decisions to make. I'm just exploring, talking, seeing if our worlds are similar and are moving in the right direction. Are there things that are deal breakers? Possibly, but I'm willing to look at it and see where it goes and how I feel. I have no opinion yet. That's why I'm not sharing the full story, but I promise you I will.

Speaker 1: 4:29

Maybe a month from now I'll be able to tell you where it landed, where we ended up. Any way you look at it, we're in different states. I will tell you that we're in different states. I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. They're not going anywhere anytime soon. So for me, this is just maybe there'll be a flight here and a flight there. We'll meet up and we'll say hi and we'll, you know, just hang out. I have no problem with that. There is no permanent move happening. This is all just really long distance friendship at this point. And who couldn't use another friend? I can? Yeah, well, we'll get back into him another day, but not today. Today is not the day. I know. I tell you guys that all the time I'll get into it, I'll talk about it later, but I just I don't know. I don't think it's fair to really discuss it at the point we're at. I've given you a little tea.

Speaker 1: 5:27

You know I'm talking to somebody from my past. You know that they have entered my mind throughout the years and we've never really stopped being friends, so we know a lot about each other. This person does watch my videos and listens to my podcast, so that can be weird. That can be weird because it may prohibit me from saying exactly how I feel, because I know they're listening friends, family and it stops me from being authentically myself. It just does and I'm trying to get over that. I'm trying. I am never going to connect with people until I can be authentically me and I can get through all of those superficial layers and really connect with people. I'm working on it. You know I'm working on it because we talk every week or I talk and you listen. Hopefully you listen and I know I know as I'm talking you want to.

Speaker 1: 6:38

You're probably saying things to me I like don't do it. Don't do it. Or just tell us already what the hell? Just tell us. I know, I know, and if you actually have something to say about anything I'm saying, or just want me to cover it, like enough that you send me a text which is in my show notes right at the top. Send me a text or put a comment in there, or email me. There's so many ways to reach me. If you like what you're listening to and or you think I'm in a subject that you really want me to get deeper in, let me know.

Speaker 1: 7:16

I'm not a mind reader. I mean I do get you know, I can read energy, but I'm not a mind reader. I can't predict the future. I can't predict what you're thinking. I can just guess. So all right back on the topic.

Speaker 1: 7:30

Okay, here's the question somebody posed Men of Reddit did you ever start dating again with your ex? How did it turn out? So let's kind of just listen and see. Did it work out for other people? Is there just a bad stigma attached to it? Like you already know, it's not going to work. It didn't work the first time, didn't work the second time. Why in the hell would it work again? I don't know. I don't know if I knew that answer. If I truly knew that answer, would I be reading Reddit right now. No, I would be just feeding you knowledge from experience. But I don't have an answer because I'm actually going through it right now. So that is why I'm looking at Reddit.

Speaker 1: 8:15

One person said we broke up in nine months. We're getting married next month. I think shorter relationship gaps are a little bit different. Okay, so if you were together and then you broke up for nine months because you wanted to find yourself, or you've been in this relationship for years and years and years, and then after nine months, you get back together. That's a little. That's a little different because you're taking the time to evaluate if you want to move to the next level, and I think shorter time gaps in the breakup probably work for you, whereas maybe long years and years and years between the relationship may not. I don't know, age plays into this, like there is the experience and the wisdom of learning from your past mistakes. But if that person hasn't grown and says that they're still the same person that they always were and that person did not align with you, at that time there's I don't see a different outcome. There has to be self growth in the timeframe between the relationships ending and restarting.

Speaker 1: 9:27

Here's another one. Yes, I broke up with her because I thought she might be a little crazy. I wanted to end it sooner rather than later, so neither of us got hurt. I got back together with her two years later and she tried to stab me. What the hell Probably should have listened to myself the first time. Yeah, yeah, I would like to think that's not a typical thing getting stabbed, okay. So in essence, they took a stab at the second time. Get it Okay. Here's another one Dated a girl in high school and a little in college three years, ran into each other seven years later been married 26 years. Okay, so that's a positive story. So they had seven years to grow, to recognize who they were and who they want to be and always kept that other person in their mind. I think that's beautiful. I love that.

Speaker 1: 10:29

Somebody said and this is true statistically it's better to invest in a new relationship than to invest in one that already has baggage. Can't argue with that. This person said twice was with one for about five years and the other for about one. Both re-dissolved within weeks, turns out the initial breakup actually was for a reason. Casper said for me it was usually rebounding, which is pretty shitty of me, by the way. There wasn't really an emotional connection and it was mostly sex. I wish I had treated my exes better. I wasn't the worst by far, but I do wish I had been better. I like to hear that it was never going to work out with any of them for a multitude of reasons, and I should have let it go. I don't regret the experiences, though.

Speaker 1: 11:21

Torto said I have a rule to never get back together with an ex, even if things ended, they ended for a good reason. Somebody put not unless the sex part is outstanding, then all that remains is to sort out the differences and blocks in your earlier relationship with that person, even though many will say no. If you can overcome those mistakes, nothing like it Okay. So I don't know if I agree with that person. Just because the sex is amazing doesn't mean you should get back with your ex. Also doesn't mean you shouldn't hook up with your ex. You can hook up and just not get back together, because if that's the only area that you guys were good in, it's an important area. But there's so many more factors, especially as you get older. You know stability, knowing safety, respect, having aligning dreams and goals for the future. Where do you want to be? What do you want to do? I mean, all of those factors are important. So if the sex is good, I would suggest just go have sex, don't start a relationship.

Speaker 1: 12:33

Pwr Boredom says oh boy, turn back the clock to the mid eighties. I met a lady I liked. We seemed to hit it off so much that we were screwing on the next date. Then she dropped the bomb on me. She was living with another guy. I blew up, but she managed to talk me into dating her on the sly. I got fed up with it and met with her to break it off. Instead, I got talked into meeting her in Florida. We had a great week together and she said she was going to get out of her live-in condition. So she strung me along for a year and I waited on her because I loved her. Finally, the whole mess blew up and it was about the time my dad got sick, so it all fell apart.

Speaker 1: 13:25

I got married in 1990. I forgot all about her. One older lady I knew worked with her. I did work for the older lady and she told me that the girl I was seeing had married, had a kid and had moved. Oh well, by pure chance, I was riding home one day past a house, a lady was out getting her mail and it was her. I was married. I no longer cared. I left it at that Enter 2011. I got divorced.

Speaker 1: 13:55

Then, two years later, I got messaged from her. Hello, I messaged her back. We traded messages back and forth for about two weeks. Then she asked me to meet her. I figured, why not? We met.

Speaker 1: 14:08

I felt a little rekindling of our affair, so we kept messaging. She finally fessed up that her marriage was shit. I told her I was not going to go back to meeting on the sly. If you were going to get divorced, you better do it. I was not going to go back to meeting on the sly. If you were going to get divorced, you better do it. I wasn't going to fuck around again Shit or get off the pot.

Speaker 1: 14:24

Well, I cooled off after just a month and she got pushy. Then I found out she was stalking me from before I even got divorced. That didn't sit well with me. Then she started reading my post and started scolding me over comments that she wasn't even privy to but found reading on my homepage. I wasn't that nosy. I wasn't snooping on her page. That was none of her business. I'm allowed to say and think on my own. What I do is my business. She showed me what she was about and I was going to have no part of it. So I blocked her. We haven't messaged since and, lo and behold, she never got divorced.

Speaker 1: 15:02

I mean, in my world, if you're not happy in your marriage and you feel you need to go outside of your marriage, you don't need to be married. I guess women, men, everyone if they're married and they're not happy, it's a happy and they have children. It's a risk that they could lose everything. For a person. They're just fantasies, right? This fantasy person isn't with you every day, doesn't know all your problems, doesn't have bills piling up, doesn't have kids that are throwing temper tantrums. They look amazing. They're typically not. They're typically not amazing. The idea is amazing because they don't come with complications, except for the fact that you could actually lose the most important thing in your life. So you really should think about that.

Speaker 1: 15:52

I'm not here on my soapbox. Like everybody makes mistakes. I'm not here to judge you. I'm here to talk about those mistakes and maybe help you avoid making them. I'm not so good at always helping myself avoid them, but talking about it on this platform helps me speak out loud about things.

Speaker 1: 16:09

So I pulled up an article. It's called 10 questions to answer before you date your ex. I still want to know who you're thinking about, though. Who's been popping into your mind this entire time. Who have you been thinking about? I got to know. You got to leave me a comment. I got to know what's happening here. 10 questions to answer before you date your ex. Okay, number one how long have you been separated? Really, what I just said. Has there been enough time there?

Speaker 1: 16:37

If the answer to the question is not long, then you must consider whether you two were really broken up If you were just going back and forth and your partner is not an ex but rather is a participant in the drama. Question two what was the reason you two broke up? First of all, if all your answers place the blame on him, why would you want to get back together If he has changed? The question you must ask yourself is whether or not you have changed. If he has modified his behavior that contributed to the breakup, but you haven't. You might allow unwanted behavioral patterns from your past. I have definitely changed. I have definitely looked inward at my patterns. I haven't overcome them all. How are things different now? What is it about things that have truly changed? Are you more financially stable? Is he? Has a person who came in between you two stepped out of the picture for good? All of this must be analyzed in detail because if things are not different, how can a relationship be successful under the same conditions in which it fell apart? Look at how much has changed in both of you and assess the situation and whether it's changed or not.

Speaker 1: 17:50

Were both of you too young. The first time Was cheating involved. Would it be different now? Well, I mean, I think that that question is self-explanatory. That question's a good question, and it's true. Did one of the two of you cheat on the other? Can trust be rebuilt later on? Maybe that goes back to you regretting something you did? I think you look at the character of the person and how it happened and what happened and how old you were, and decide if you think they're still that same person now. And if they're still that same person now, don't freaking do it, absolutely not. Do not do it. If there's a growth there and they're not, you know 20, they're not the same person because they're 50. I don't think you can count it unless they have a history of doing it and you know they have a history of doing it all through those years Then don't do it for sure. Don't do it.

Speaker 1: 18:49

Was substance abuse involved in the initial breakup? Well, that's a big deal. That, for me, played a huge part in why my marriage ended because there was substance abuse. Um, I don't know if that's an, if that's an area you can overcome unless that person has done the work and realized it's hurting them and potentially killing them? Do you want to put yourself back in that situation where you watch this person kill themselves with alcohol, with drugs, with anything that is hurting them? Do you want to be pulled down into that or not? I guess that's a and that's really, I think, the hardest breakups. I think that's the hardest breakups because you see who they are, you see who they could be, but they don't. They couldn't see themselves without alcohol or they couldn't see themselves without drugs, because it makes them happy and you can't compete with that happiness. Do you know what I mean? Like you'll never compete with that happiness, so I don't know if that will ever work.

Speaker 1: 20:11

Is this just a booty call? If old bad habits are hard to break, how about old feel-good habits? If both of you are clear that a booty call is not the resuming of your committed relationship, then there is nothing stopping a good time and a good physical release. But the bump and grind can create deep feelings instantaneously and passion can develop into an emotional connection. When it was agreed upon to just remain physical, it only takes a few minutes to fall back in love when you replay the ultimate committed act. Yeah, but if you're both single I'd go. For what are you doing? It's not like you're with somebody. Enjoy it, have a good time. That's just me. I mean, that's just me. Everybody has different views on it. My views are to go for it. Why not have fun? You only live once.

Speaker 1: 21:04

Did you two have children and want to make it work for them? I, yeah, I mean. I mean, if you had children with this person and you feel like you've overcome some of the obstacles that were in your way and you can get back together, hell yeah, do it. But be sure, before you bring your, before you do that, because the kids are, are are going to get involved in that and that can be a sticky situation. You know, I really feel like okay.

Speaker 1: 21:33

So Trevor is two years away from graduating and I've kind of held off on any kind of relationship because I didn't want to bring in another person into his life right now. Bring in another person into his life right now. I'm not going to move in with somebody with my son he's he's just it's too late to start that bond. I'm not saying you can't start the bonding process late, but for me, I just don't want to upset the household. I would rather wait till Trevor graduates and I can do whatever I want and my choices don't and won't affect my kids. I would definitely not move in with someone until he's graduated. I just won't. That's just a promise I've made to myself that I'm not going to do that. It's just too difficult. There's only two years left. Let him have his life, his freedom, all of that stuff, and enjoy life. And then after that two years, I can date and have fun and go do stuff. But I will not live with somebody Not yet. That's just a personal choice.

Speaker 1: 22:41

If that's something you choose to do and you brought this new person or revisiting an old person with your child, and you choose to move back in, I and it works. I mean, I love that for you, I really do. I love that for you. I wish that could be me, but I'm not. I just I've been there a couple of times and, uh, I don't. It's just not worth it, especially with two years to go. So yeah, I was kind of all over the place in this episode. Hopefully, my editing will make it look like I knew exactly what I was talking about, exactly what I was saying, and I didn't get weird and awkward in some parts because, uh, I did. I did get awkward and weird. It just it's on my mind. So, and I always told you I'll be true to what I'm thinking and true to what I'm feeling, and I feel like I did that we're gonna call my ex uh in future episodes Florida. Mr Florida, I enjoyed talking to you today and, uh, I'll probably dive into some more relationship stuff coming up, because I've I've been having some thoughts about other things to talk about. Well, thank you for being here.

Speaker 1: 23:53

This is Love you, miss you Bye. I'm Christy Chanel and I will be back next Monday with something. They're not telling what I'm going to be thinking about next week. We will see. I will talk to you soon. Love you, miss you Bye. L-u-m-u-b podcast Love you, miss you Bye has been brought to you by Christy Chanel LLC, but if you're looking for more information or want to follow us on social media, go check out christyshanelcom. All the podcasts are streamed there and the YouTube episodes are there, so why not? You can also listen where all podcasts are streamed. This includes Apple podcasts and Spotify. And lastly, thank you to you. You, yeah, you the one that's listening or watching. I appreciate you so much. Love you, misha Bye.