The Journey Through Friendships Past, Present, and Future

Ever felt the sting of embarrassment while backing away from friends during tough times? It's a familiar throb in the heart, one that I've navigated and now extend a hand to guide you through. Together, we'll sift through the layers of friendships—those for a lifetime, a season, or a reason—as I share my journey of nurturing connections that withstand the test of time.
Navigating the complexities of modern friendships means embracing tech as much as we do heart-to-heart chats. This episode peels back my own communication preferences, as I confess my aversion to phone calls in favor of texts and FaceTime. We'll ruminate on the importance of shared experiences and how they cement bonds or signal when it's time to release them. It's a candid look at the art of friendship maintenance, understanding that growth might mean outgrowing certain ties while cherishing those that evolve with us.

The personal triumphs and tribulations of mental health recovery cast a new light on the friendships that flank our sides. This heart-to-heart includes a peek at how innovative platforms like Bumble BFF and Wink are redefining how we forge new friendships post-trauma, offering solace in the digital age. Join me, your companion in this emotional sojourn, as we celebrate the quest for supportive, life-affirming friendships that mirror our journey to self-discovery and healing.
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https://youtu.be/n1rOkhr0Oj8

Chapters

• 0:01 Exploring Types of Friendship Dynamics
• 8:21 Seasons of Friendship and Growth
• 15:53 Navigating Changing Friendships During Recovery
• 24:08 'L-U-M-U-B Podcast by Christy Chanel

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

I put a TikTok post out and asked my TikTok community what topic do you want me to cover? And they answered and that is the topic for today. Let's go the Lovey Mishy by podcast. Let's inspire each other each other. I got to interview one of my TikTok friends yesterday for about three hours. I enjoyed it so much because the whole point of this podcast is to talk to real, everyday people that are going through something or have been through something.

Speaker 1: 0:43

We recorded for like three hours yesterday. The only problem is, beyond being a rookie at podcasting, I'm also a rookie at sound checks and electric stuff. All the stuff, all the stuff that requires you to plug something in. I may struggle with a bit. And we went to Riverside, which is where we recorded the episode. It's kind of like a Zoom app online, but it is a little bit fancier. It has more bells and whistles to help you really get a good recording. We went in there and when we were done, you know, I stopped recording and I forgot to tell her not to log out until her recording had fully uploaded. Now, a day later, it's at 79% and she lives in the mountains, so I'm hoping I still am able to get this recording.

Speaker 1: 1:37

I don't know, we might have to do it again, but the point of the story is the fact that I didn't really plan a topic for today because I already had one. I was planning that interview, so I put it out on TikTok to find out what should I cover, what do you guys want to hear? And I got a response. And the response was from Athena, the Mary Kay lady. She said once healed from the past equals how to find a new, positive group of friends. So I think that's a great topic and I decided that's the topic I'm going to put out today. I kind of wanted to expand it just a little bit to include different types of friendships and how changing lifestyles or changing careers can impact your friend group in general.

Speaker 1: 2:29

As you probably know, there are three typical categories of friendships. You have the lifetime friend, you have the friend for a season and you have the friend for a reason. So let's cover that first. Let's start there at the very simplified version. Your lifetime friend is probably the most obvious of all three categories. Your lifetime friend is somebody that you know is going to be with you throughout your life. They're like your co-pilot and it's somebody that you would call if something wonderful happens, or somebody you would call if something terrible happens. They're the first person you want to talk to in these situations Mine, I've had since I was five years old. It's weird because, of course, at five you don't think, well, this is the person that's going to be my co-pilot through life. You have no idea. You know, it's like striking gold.

Speaker 1: 3:23

I feel so incredibly lucky that I found someone that has been friends with me since the beginning. I don't just have one, I've got a few that I've known since elementary school that I still talk to, maybe not daily, weekly or even monthly, but typically a few times a year. I'll get a message from Dawn, who I've known since elementary school, and I adore her. Lori, I talk to her weekly, but we didn't always talk weekly Before. We would go months and not talk, and that's because my life was a bit traumatic and I was almost ashamed of it. No, no, not almost. I was ashamed of it, and because I was ashamed of it, I didn't really want to share it with her. She was graduating law school, doing her thing with a guy that she's still married to today, and I was not so successful, I was not so lucky.

Speaker 1: 4:21

What could I possibly have to share in that friendship? What could I give her? It was more about taking, and I didn't want to be that, so I would stay away. And when I say taking, I'm talking about advice. Here's my drama, here's my problem, here's my situation. And I just didn't want to do that. I'm the type of person that would rather suffer alone than bring somebody else into my pain and my problems. I don't know if that was the right way to deal with it, but I was lucky enough to have that lifetime friend who knew, when I was pulling away, what that meant. It meant I didn't want to share the pain I was going through, whether it's embarrassment or I didn't want it and I told you so, and I'm not saying she would have done that. But I didn't really want her opinion either. And I didn't want her opinion because I already knew what it was. I knew what it was because I knew what I should do and I was ignoring those red flags myself. Why would I want to verbalize it? I want to ignore it. That's what I want to do. I want to ignore it. So definitely not going to bring her into it. She forced her way. It was actually very good that she did force her way, because it did help me.

Speaker 1: 5:36

Sometimes your friends know what you need more than you know what you need, and they provide it. So that's the lifetime friend. You may not be in a situation that you've had a lifetime friend, and that's okay too. These people, these special diamonds, can pop into your life at any point. Sometimes it's for a reason, and let's give some examples of for a reason, I am not happy that I've gained 20 pounds, so I am going to go to the gym and I'm going to start working out all the time. Well, what do they tell you to do? Get a gym buddy, get somebody that's going to push you, because they're on the same journey as you. There you go. That's a friend for a reason. Now you become besties and you're working out together and you're getting healthy together and it's a good, positive relationship.

Speaker 1: 6:21

Then you decide I don't really feel like working out anymore. I'm over it. I don't feel like it, no, I'm not doing it. And you go and do something else, which happened to me a hundred million times in my life. Sure, it's happened to you probably where you're like so obsessed with working out and then you're like no, done. Well, that workout, friend. It's fulfilled a service. They were there for a reason and now they're gone because you don't really need them for that and they really don't fit in this other category. So you slowly drift apart or it can be a bad habit. It's not just a good habit, friend, it could be a bad habit.

Speaker 1: 6:54

Friend, where you're, you know you maybe you met in your twenties and you're drinking and you're partying and you're doing what 20 year olds do, just constantly partying and having a good time. And then you start to think you know, I'm drinking a little too much, I'm drinking daily. Now and you start to associate well, I'm always with her. Maybe we're kind of becoming codependent on each other and it's making it's given an excuse to your mind Like it's okay to drink every day. She's drinking every day too, so there's absolutely nothing wrong with it because we're both doing it and you realize there is something wrong with it. It's really not the best idea for you in your life right now. It's time for a change. Well, this Amy person that you've been partying with all the time and having like the best time ever doesn't want to stop doing that, is not, does not into it, just is still enjoying her partying, is still enjoying that part of her life and has no desire to stop. You've got to kind of move on past Amy and go in your own direction and sometimes later in life those friendships will come back together Once you're actually heading in the same path again. Amy will hopefully realize that she doesn't want to stay on that party path and she really misses you. And those are the good stories. Sometimes you never end up on the same path again. So those are the ones that come in for a reason. They meet a specific role in your life.

Speaker 1: 8:21

You also have friends that come into your life for a season. I would describe this as I've got a new boyfriend. He's got a group of friends. They have girlfriends. We go over there, we hang out, we party, we have a good time, we go and do things together, go to baseball games, hockey games, concerts and then you and this guy break up and their friends go with him, not with you. That's a season. They're just there while you're in this phase of your life. Then they're going to go away and it's onward and upward. You're never going to look at them again.

Speaker 1: 8:53

Another season type situation would be coworkers. You go in and out of jobs throughout your life and some friendships carry through and carry over and you hold on to them, and some don't. You know as soon as you walk out that office door, they're not there anymore. That's it Like. Your lives are different. You were different to begin with. I'm lucky I have two coworkers from my last job, elizabeth and Casey, that I still talk to today, two and a half years later, and we have our own little group chat and we're part of each other's lives, and I will share just a mini story about that.

Speaker 1: 9:26

I try to keep my podcast victories or setbacks to myself. I just naturally do that. I don't want to burden my friends with all that stuff. I just don't. I don't know, I don't know. There was a good thing that happened to me and I put it in our group chat and afterwards I felt like I should say hey, I know I don't typically put a lot of podcast stuff in here, but I had to tell you about this. I'm so excited.

Speaker 1: 9:57

Elizabeth wrote back and she's like what do you mean? Don't hold back stuff that's happening in your life. We want to hear it. Don't do that. It literally made me cry. I was so choked up by it because I'm holding this back, so I'm not annoying or braggy or anything. You know, I don't want to come off that way to them and they never thought I was and they want to hear these things and it was just really sweet and I love them and they're my coworkers and they're here for more than a season and the really cool thing is, like Elizabeth in her early thirties, casey's in her early forties and I'm in my fifties, different generations support each other and that's kind of what I'm doing with my podcast.

Speaker 1: 10:36

I want the same type of community and friendship that I have in my own life, you know, because they add such a different element to my life and I love that. I like love my friendship so much I really do but I haven't always loved my friendships so much. I've had friends in my life that I have cut off and it wasn't a big, you know. That's it. We're not friends anymore, it was more. I feel like we're going in two different directions and my path is different than yours in the way of I like to live my life in positivity.

Speaker 1: 11:13

I'm not saying that there's not anything negative in my life or that I don't acknowledge negativity. I'm saying I try to exclude as much negativity from my life as possible. So when I have a friend that lives in drama and negativity, I have a really difficult time staying in that space. I feel you guys may think I'm crazy by saying this, but I feel energy a lot. I walk in a room and I can feel the energy. I can feel your energy and I know if it's energy, I want to be around.

Speaker 1: 11:47

And this person was sucking my energy from me and every time I left I was exhausted. I was like so exhausted and I got to a point where I'm like I just have heard the same story with different characters repeatedly for the last five years. I'm done hearing the same story. If that person cannot learn from their own tragedies, then I can't be there, because that means I have to keep reliving this tragedy over and over and over and I don't choose to do that. I want to be around people that learn from their mistakes. I'm not saying you can't have them, we all have them but at least take something from it and build on it. You should be striving for good. You should be striving to be better than you were yesterday and that's what I tell myself, my only goal truly in life is to be better than I was yesterday, to learn something more than I knew yesterday, and I really gravitate towards people that want the same in their life.

Speaker 1: 13:02

I haven't always been the best friend. I haven't. I'm a terrible communicator. That is one of my biggest flaws. I know you would think well, christy, you're on a freaking podcast, how are you a terrible communicator? Well, I'm a terrible communicator because I don't like the phone. Actually, I can't stand the phone. So for me to get on there and talk to someone, it's just, I think. I think I have undiagnosed ADD, adhd where I'm just got so much my head is constantly going that to sit on a phone call for a really long period of time is a struggle. It's not my favorite thing to do. Just put it like this my mind works in bullet points. So text messages work for me because they're not long paragraphs. Typically, they're short. They're one or two statements that are thrown at me and I get the message and I can respond back in the same way. So taking the time for a phone call really takes energy from me. Doesn't mean I don't want to hear anybody's voice. It doesn't mean I don't want to connect in that way. I actually would almost rather video FaceTime because then I'm actually seeing the face and it's easier for me to concentrate on the conversation at hand. But I haven't always been the best at that and people that don't know me would think that I just don't wanna talk to them, when in real life that's the opposite of how I feel Like you're in my life, because I love you and I do care and I want to communicate. Just need to be reminded that that's how you want to talk, because that's not my preference and it's like the love.

Speaker 1: 14:34

The five love languages Everybody receives and gives love in different ways. My number one love language is words of affirmation. I like to know that you care, I like to know that you care, I like to know that I'm doing a good job. I respond to that, whereas somebody else's love language may be quality time, and it's actually kind of good to know what love language speaks well to your friends, because love languages are not just about the person that you're intimately involved with. It's also about your friendships and what they perceive as love from your friend. We should probably cover that topic also because I think it's important. Just like you know, as a manager, I have to. I have to manage my team differently from one another, because one person may not respond to this way of managing and this person may respond to it. So it's learning those different personality things that make a person hear you and respond to you and reciprocate, which is the same in friendship and the same in a loving, intimate relationship. I think it's all about people and that's where I'm the most fascinated, that's where I find the most joy and that's why I'm doing this podcast.

Speaker 1: 15:53

Let's actually cover the topic that Athena wanted me to cover. This right here is the mighty and I feel like it's going to cover a bit of you know, that step out of trauma and into new friendships and relationships. Because when you're in a relationship that involves trauma, you could be controlled in a way that you're not allowed to be out and be with your friends. So you lose those friends or you feel shamed and you don't want to share what you're going through, like I did. What to know about navigating changing friendships and mental health recovery? Even now, as I do lots of intense trauma work with my therapist, my friendships are continuing to evolve in both positive and negative ways. When I expressed some of these feelings to my therapist last week, I realized something that put it all into perspective. I'm not the same person I was years or even months ago, so of course my relationships will look differently.

Speaker 1: 16:53

For many of us in recovery, whether it's related to addiction, eating disorders or general mental health, these changing friendships can seem difficult to navigate or even feel scary. However, we can all learn to work through these various types of changes. We just need to understand what's happening. Sometimes the dynamics in a friendship shifts as you make positive lifestyle changes. You find yourself relying on certain friends a bit less than you did before, or you may find that you're more able to provide emotional support to people you couldn't aid previously. You also might notice that you're more aware of certain friends' unhealthy behaviors and you may feel compelled to point them out or even hold them accountable. Those roles you play in each other's lives may fluctuate or flip-flop completely. It really depends. Unfortunately, these changing dynamics can feel uncomfortable at first. They may cause tension or erupt into full-blown conflicts. You may worry that your friendships are going to end, or you may feel compelled to pause your own progression for the sake of the relationship of your friends. When this happens, just remind yourself that all major changes come with growing pains, including your interpersonal relationships.

Speaker 1: 18:08

While you're in recovery, try to communicate your emotions and your needs as openly as possible and establish boundaries as needed. Most of the time, your friends will understand and be receptive to your honesty because they love you. It just takes time for everyone to adjust to changes, even your closest loved ones. Sometimes you drift apart from people. As you grow, you may notice that the people who felt closest to you in these lowest moments no longer mesh in the same way, which is exactly what we're talking about. Friendships often come and go during these times, and that's okay. The people who are meant to be with you will stay and in time, you'll find your footing in those relationships as you go. Just keep going, keep growing, because you deserve it.

Speaker 1: 18:59

A friend is someone with whom you share a bond of mutual affection. The way you define that today may have changed from how you defined it before your trauma. Acknowledge that some friends aren't meeting the requirements you have for friendship. Celebrate your desire for friendships that serve a positive and healthy purpose in your life. Then reach out in whatever ways feel comfortable to make some post-trauma friends who fit, serve and support who you are today, and that's what her topic idea is about. How do you make those friends? Where are those friends? Let's talk about that.

Speaker 1: 19:40

I think as we age, a lot of things become more difficult. Dating becomes more difficult. It's like where do you find them? Where are they? The same thing could be true with friendships. I really feel for myself. That's how I'm going about it, honestly, and I would probably do the same thing for dating. At this point, I mean, besides going to Home Depot, I'm probably going to have to download a dating app. Unfortunately, if there's a dating app, there's probably a friend app, so that's what I'm looking at right now.

Speaker 1: 20:10

I pulled up an article in Cosmopolitan titled 12 apps that will actually help you make friends. Okay, I'm interested. Let's see what it's about. The first one on their list is Yubbo Y-U-B-O. Many friendship apps have similar features to dating apps making a profile, swiping on others, private messaging, etc. What makes Yubbo unique is its catfish-free video chat feature. When you connect with someone, you can chat via live video from the app, like FaceTime, but without having to give out your phone number. Okay, that's cool. All right, let's keep going.

Speaker 1: 20:47

Lmk is number two. Right, this way extroverts, because this talking based app is about to become your new obsession. Instead of just the standards DM style messaging seen in most apps, lmk has a variety of ways to connect with people, like voice chats, for example. You can instantly call or chat with folks, whether one-on-one or in a group. So if you're in the mood to just gab, there's no sitting around and waiting for a match. Plus, once you're in a voice chat, there's a timer that'll end the call unless you choose to extend it. So no awkward goodbyes. Okay, I love that. No awkward goodbyes. If you do try them, let me know so that I can tell other people, let me know in the comments.

Speaker 1: 21:29

Number three which I have heard of this one Bumble BFF. If you've ever used Bumble for dating, bumble BFF is literally the same concept, just for platonic friends. You still make a profile with a few photos, add a quick bio and then swipe right on your faves. The main difference is that the timer to start the conversation isn't gendered. So when they say not gendered, women have to choose men first on the Bumble dating app. So here in the friendship app, it doesn't matter who picks each other first. You're a friend, so it doesn't matter.

Speaker 1: 21:59

Number four is Wink. Wink is another app that lets users swipe left or right on profiles they feel best match their interests. You can select the gender and age range of people you want to connect with and add your interests, so matches have at least one favorite activity in common with you. You can chat directly on the app or move the conversation to Snapchat for something a little more private. It's like Tinder for friends. We're just going to do one more. Hey, vina. Hey exclamation point Vina, v-i-n-a. So these are the top five. Vina was designed specifically for women to meet female friends at any time. You can match based on shared activities and interests and your stage of life, since different moments in your life might lead you to look for more friends or ones who specifically get what you're going through.

Speaker 1: 22:47

I like this one for you, athena, and it rhymes with your name, vena, so it may be easy to remember. I think it's great, especially because you're branching out. You know what you want in a friend. You know what you want to go do. Maybe it's somebody you can go do painting with a twist where you get to paint and have a glass of wine and have fun. There are some benefits of being in the digital world, because I think it makes it even easier to find someone to hang out with. You know you're going to have to weed through them. We all would have to weed through them because, just like in real life, some fit, some don't fit. So good luck to you, and if you have a topic that you want me to cover, please throw it in the comments or send me an email, christy, at Christy Chanelcom, and I will look at your topic and cover it here.

Speaker 1: 23:41

On love you miss you Bye, you guys know I have a Patreon. There's a paywall for $5. There's also a free area that you can go and just click, like and be a part of the chats and be a part of the community. You don't have to pay any money to come hang out with us. Eventually I will put stuff behind the paywall and that will be more direct communication with me and behind the scenes footage that maybe I don't feel comfortable sharing out on social media completely. That's where I'm putting that kind of stuff, okay, so until then, I will talk to you soon.

Speaker 1: 24:08

Love you miss you Bye. L-u-m-u-b podcast. Love you miss you Bye has been brought to you by Christy Chanel LLC, but if you're looking for more information or want to follow us on social media, go check out christyshanelcom. All the podcasts are streamed there and the YouTube episodes are there, so why not? You can also listen where all podcasts are streamed. This includes Apple Podcasts and Spotify. And lastly, thank you to you. You, yeah, you the one that's listening or watching. I appreciate you so much. Love you, misha. Bye.